When Families Don’t Gather

In our secular and multicultural society Christmas is increasingly seen as a time for families to gather and celebrate their connection. It is a time to see those who we probably only choose to see once a year as well as our most cherished relatives. A time to heal breaches, put the past behind and redefine ourselves as belonging to each other.

Yet there is a significant and growing number of people for whom this will not happen and the saturation of ‘peace on earth goodwill to (family)’ message is distressing. At a time when seniority and role is not sufficient to guarantee a child’s loyalty irrespective of history and differences, the choice to fracture is more possible. Karl Andrew Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University, conducted an American survey for his 2020 book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them and concluded that one in four Americans report estrangement from a relative while a British survey puts the number at one in five. There is no doubt it also happens here.

The temptation is to see this as a singular phenomenon, but the reasons are complex. One of the most common is past or current physical, sexual, and emotional abuse which the parent does not believe happened or refuses to address. This leads the adult child to decide that the physical and emotional safety of themselves and their children is incompatible with an ongoing relationship. Separation and divorce may also fuel a fracture which is encouraged by new family members, stepparents or stepsiblings who heighten division over financial and emotional resources. A child may also choose a partner and their family over their own to protect the relationship when there is tension. Division over incompatible values and beliefs about race, gender, sexuality, and lifestyle including the decision to vaccinate against the coronavirus is also another reason for fracture. Whatever the reason Christmas highlights the loss and for some the relief.

Joshua Coleman, psychologist, and author of The Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict addresses parents who wish to understand and heal the rift with adult children. It aims to provide tools for hard conversations, a framework for different and better relationship and ways to move forward if reconciliation proves impossible.

For some fracture is the only possible path forward to protect themselves and family but for others relationships can be healed to the advantage of both parents and children and this is the best Christmas present of all.

Coleman, J. (2021) The Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict Sheldon Press

Karl Andrew Pillemer, K. (2020) Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them Yellow Kite Publishers

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