Making mistakes is inevitable. It is how we learn by introducing new information into our system. ‘I’ll never do that again’, is something we have all said. Mistakes are also how we damage relationships, sometimes to the point of dissolution and we are left with sadness, regret and guilt. Asking for forgiveness and its withholding leaves both parties burdened and condemned to living an endless past and present. A recent paper which identified the trajectories of people following separation and divorce identified forgiveness as a variable which predicted better outcomes. This finding mirrors earlier work which attests to the value of resolving past relational hurts from children, parents, siblings, partners and friends. As relational therapists these fractures are often the reason our help is sought.
Forgiveness as a Topic in Family and Systemic Therapy
Forgiveness has a long history in religious and spiritual thought and is viewed as an essential component of personal and relational healing. However, with some notable exceptions, there has been little interest in family and systemic therapy. Yet, our clients often seek our help to discuss the hurt they carry from relationships, the wisdom of forgiving and capacity to do so.
A review of the literature shows an interesting pattern. The late 1980’s saw publication of most work in the area by eminent practitioners including John Carpenter, editor of the Journal of Family Therapy, Harry Aponte and Sue Waldron Skinner, with a paper by Karl Tomm in 2002.
They ranged from exploration of nature and meaning of forgiveness, and application of models of family therapy to a reliable and valid scale to measure forgiveness in the intergenerational family. Since then, there have been few publications with the most recent in 2025 being an exploration of the distinction between exoneration and forgiveness. Its as if the topic has all but disappeared.
Why is this?
A critical review of conceptualisations, practices and values as represented in the family therapy, counselling, and clinical psychology literature by Legaree et al in 2007 provides some interesting insights. They note a spectrum of belief that range ‘from strong enthusiasm on the part of those therapist writers who view forgiveness as important and beneficial for clients to substantial scepticism on the part of those who regard forgiveness as, in fact, not helpful for clients’ resolution of betrayals and recovery from hurt.’ A second point of divergence is whether forgiveness is a voluntary, intentional act or the product of a longer process of self-discovery that cannot be forced. This has major implications for the type of therapy proposed. A last point of difference is who should benefit from the act of forgiveness, and ‘whether forgiving goes beyond the cessation of negative emotions of resentment, anger, and desire for revenge to include positive emotions toward the offender such as compassion, mercy, empathy, and perhaps even love.’
The authors note that seeking a singular position in such a value laden area ‘risks setting aside awareness, sensitivity and respect for diverse forgiveness positions that are based on personal experiences, distinctive religious beliefs, cultural traditions, gendered experience, and other dimensions of social location.’
In Conclusion
The meaning, value and process of forgiveness is contentious and hard to define but that is no reason to avoid it. For many of our clients it is their central request ‘If and when should I forgive and how do I go about it?’ A revival of debate, however difficult, is well overdue.
Legaree, T., Turner, J. and Lollis, S. (2007) Forgiveness and Therapy: A Critical Review of Conceptualizations, Practices, And Values Found in The Literature Journal of Marital and Family Therapy Vol. 33, No. 2, 192–213
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