Friendship is far more than a pleasant addition to life; it is central to identity, wellbeing, and even survival. As social beings, we are shaped by the people alongside us — those who offer belonging, challenge, affirmation, and shared meaning. Research increasingly confirms what experience suggests: the quality of our friendships profoundly influences our mental and physical health. Supportive relationships can protect and strengthen us, while unhealthy or isolating connections can erode resilience over time. Understanding the value — and the risks — embedded within friendship invites us to consider not only whether we have friends, but what kind of friendships we cultivate.
The Value of Friends
One of the key pillars of identity are peers, people ‘like us’ who provide companionship, support and a sense of belonging. A review of 38 studies by Pezirkianidis, C., et al.,( 2023) of adult friendships that provide support and companionship, showed these relationships significantly predicted well-being across the life span and were demonstrated to be protective against mental health issues including depression and anxiety. Good friendship includes the possibility that when we are at risk for behaving unwisely or placing ourselves at risk this will be kindly questioned. Research has also shown the dangers of loneliness, which increases risk of heart attack, stroke and premature death.
Show Me Your Friends
Friendship as one pillar of identity is not a singular concept and the proverb “Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are” which is often attributed to Miguel de Cervantes in Don Quixote, points to this. Our social connections reflect our values, habits and principles and as social beings we reinforce each other in what we believe and how we behave. This is the anxiety parents often feel as they watch their children begin to make their first relationships independent of family.
Additionally, while ‘good’ friendships provide comfort, support and kindness and are protective we also know that this is not true for all friendships. Clients often present with distress around friendships that lack reciprocity, are negative and critical and leave a person feeling guilty and emotionally exhausted. The risks of these relationships are reflected in Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analysis (2010) of more than 308,000 people which showed that poor quality friendships put people at the same risk of premature death as those who were lonely.
In Conclusion
Not all friendships are equal and those that include nepotism, coercion, and turning a blind eye may be as, if not more, dangerous than loneliness. The proverb is a warning to be intentional about those we mix with to ensure our best and not least desirable qualities are supported and we are buffered from harm.
Abrams, Z, The science of why friendships keep us healthy, American Psychological Association June 1, 2023, Vol. 54 No. 4
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