The world watched the American election with fascination and while there was much debate about the consequences for the winner, significant attention was also paid to the possible response of the loser. Our attitude to losing is ambivalent for while we urge our children to be ‘gracious in defeat’ there are fewer more stinging insults than to be labelled a ‘loser.’
Losing is Never Pleasant
Losing is loss where an imagined positive future is suddenly and precipitously destroyed. Little wonder that we see politicians, sports people, and performers ‘behave badly’ when they lose. This may include anger and tantrums directed at an umpire, arbiter, or object or at others who happen to be close. A racquet smashed following a missed point or verbal abuse directed towards an audience are examples. Disbelief may accompany a loss with a person incredulous to the point of arguing with the decider or alleging cheating by opponents. Grief, sadness and a feeling of failure and defeat may also follow. However the loss manifests, the person is at risk of being judged aggressive, childish, or weak. The more public the person and the more others have invested in their success the more shared disappointment and criticism follows and the greater the risk that this conduct will be replicated by them.
Where a child is subject to their parent’s disappointment their anger or sadness may confirm for the child that they are of lesser value and giving up becomes a better option. Alternately they may mirror their parents’ conduct and in doing so earn the label of being a ‘bad loser’.
Is There a Better Way?
The first step is managing the powerful emotional response to losing. For some the temptation is to express this outwardly as anger directed at self or others or voluble displays of sadness and disappointment. Alternately a person may run away and hide. Acknowledging the validity of the feeling while not allowing it to dominate or hurt others, protects the person from escalation both within themselves and between them and others. Support and encouragement to accept the situation and make wise choices is more likely if a person is perceived as balanced and reasonable.
A second aspect is how losing is constructed both by the person and their supporters. When Thomas Edison was asked about his failed experiments he responded, “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.” One way to understand losing is as an error and the process by which information enters a system. Error informs the system and the person; it tells them what will not work and opens the possibility that by trying something different the desired outcome may appear. A stance that values losing as painful but also informative, allows for a different response in the person who has not reached their goal, their family and those who have supported them.
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