Couples who attend therapy have often explored their own solutions through accessible and popular books which promote singular ideas about both the cause of relationship distress and remedies. These ideas or the other person’s refusal to read ’the book’ may then become another source of friction and evidence of the partner’s unwillingness to change. As practitioners we often find ourselves appealed to as the arbiter of the value of these ideas and it is sometimes difficult to know how best to respond.
One such idea is that of love languages, popularized in Chapman’s (1992) book ‘The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts’. The central premise is that ‘If our spouse has learned to speak our primary love language, our need for love will continue to be satisfied. If, on the other hand, he or she does not speak our love language, our tank will slowly drain, and we will no longer feel loved.’ This is a confident assertion that has been well received with sales of over 20 million copies and a NY Times bestseller for over 10 years. But do we know if it has any validity?
A Study to Find Out
This was the question raised by Flicker and Sancier‐Barbosa (2024) who tested the hypothesis ‘that satisfaction with one’s partner’s primary love language behaviour predicts relationship satisfaction better than satisfaction with one’s partner’s nonprimary love language behaviour.’
The authors recruited a sample of 696 couples who had been together and living with each other for at least a year with average relationship duration of 15 years. Scales were developed to determine participants preferred love language and satisfaction with their partner’s behaviour regarding each love language. Couple satisfaction was also assessed.
What Did They Find?
The results failed to support the theory that those whose partners do not speak their love language will feel less loved and satisfaction with the partner’s response to their primary love language was no more predictive of relationship satisfaction than their response to lower ranked love languages. Regardless of ranking, satisfaction with the partners behaviour was moderately to strongly related to relationship satisfaction and perceived love, with words of affirmation and quality time more predictive than either person’s primary love language.
Why So Popular?
If there is no validity in this idea, why has it become so popular and well accepted? Perhaps the notion of love languages is a tidy way for couples to explain their disappointment and frustration at their inability to communicate to their partner about matters that feel profoundly unfair or unequal. It may be easier to sidestep such contentious issues and explain them away as differences in ‘language’ rather than take the risk of speaking about matters that may put the relationship in jeopardy. Expressions of intimacy and sexuality, parenting, the use of drugs and alcohol and the place of friends and family can all be contentious and at worst lead to the discovery that the other person is unwilling or unable to change.
What Does this Mean for Couples Therapy?
At its most simple, this research confirms the value of kind and affirming words and making time for the relationship. It also allows practitioners to confidently assert that love languages are not the key to resolution and encourage acceptance of different ways of showing love rather than demanding change. This can then open a path to exploration of matters that may lead to change.
Flicker, S. M., & Sancier‐Barbosa, F. (2025). Testing the predictions of Chapman’s five love languages theory: Does speaking a partner’s primary love language predict relationship quality? Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 51, e12747. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12747
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