“It’s just like those wars you see on television”, the child told me, “the leaders stay safe in their country while they bomb homes of people who just want it to stop”. He was speaking of the conflict that had erupted between his parent at separation and had continued unabated for four years. While most families make the challenging adjustment from one to two households, 10-15% continue to conflict or are unable to develop effective ways of co-parenting. These bitter disputes are psychologically and emotionally costly with children’s emotional responses shaped by their understanding of the conflict and perceived threat, a weakening of relationship between parent and child and a decline in the quality of care of children. While the conflict may be unresolvable it may be possible to mitigate these negative effects through intervention that addresses these domains.
A Resilience Oriented Family Model
Norwegian authors Stokkebekk et al (2025), have developed a child inclusive model called Strengthening Children in Two Homes (SCI2H) which aims to support children’s resilience rather than address parental conflict. It is congruent with the systemic understanding that a failed solution is unlikely to succeed if repeated, especially when mediation and therapy have already been attempted.
The model recognises that even in the same family, children experience their parents’ conflict differently and that their narrative about the situation will provide important information about available resources. The temptation for parents to focus on the other party as the source of all difficulties risks overlooking the child’s experience and the model places their perspective and emotional needs at its centre.
Rather than aim for co-operative co-parenting the goal is to establish parallel parenting where ‘each parent independently manages the child’s care during their custodial time, with limited interparental communication.’ To be successful this requires clear agreement about channels of communication and how to involve a neutral third party when arrangements require renegotiation. A review study by Mahrer et al. (2018) suggests that the parent-child relationship quality may be a better predictor of adjustment than parental conflict, leading the authors to argue that strengthening connection in both households while developing parallel parenting is the preferred approach.
A Three Phase Goal Oriented Approach
The programme includes assessment, therapy and termination and often continues for a year. The assessment phase includes a minimum of three interviews with each parent to identify strengths in the child and both households, stress triggers and goal setting. Resources both within the family and in the wider system are also identified. Once parents have successfully mapped these and become more attuned to their own emotional responses children are included in sessions. This is an opportunity for them to hear their parent speak positively about the resources available in both households and the strengths the adults can acknowledge in their child and the other parent. Goals are established for children through individual, sibling and one parent sessions which may be achieved through development of better coping skills or changes in each household. Usually, both adults must change.
In Conclusion
While the approach has not yet been formally evaluated the authors believe that building on available family resources will enhance ‘a sense of mastery and hope, which can lead to meaningful and sustainable change’. For those children living in a ‘war zone’ giving up the struggle to resolve an unresolvable conflict and focussing on strengths, resilience and attentive parenting must come as a relief.
Stokkebekk,J., Huglen,I., Nordvik,T.(2025) ‘Strengthening Children in Two Homes’ :A Resilience-Oriented Approach to Empowering Children and Their Parents Amid Prolonged Conflict Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 2025; 46:e70019 1 of 9 https://doi.org/10.1002/anzf.70019
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