Working with families draws attention to relationships between adults across generations, and with children. However, the sibling relationship, often the longest enduring connection in a person’s life is frequently downplayed or ignored.
Both families and practitioners contribute to this. It is not uncommon for a family to decide to exclude siblings when one child has been identified as ‘the problem’ arguing that it is not other’s responsibility to participate or that they should be protected from hearing distressing things about a brother or sister. Younger children may be deemed unaware or lacking understanding of the family strife and unable to contribute. Concern for embarrassment to the identified problem child and fear that this could spoil relationships can also constrain. Practitioners may also become singularly focused on the parts of the family that are identified as contributing to the difficulties and overlook key members who can both enhance understanding and support change. Lack of confidence and skill in engaging and effectively and fairly questioning other children about the difficulties may also contribute to their exclusion.
What is the Role of Siblings?
Research suggests both positive and negative elements to this relationship. Research in child development has established the importance of siblings in supporting the achievement of key developmental milestones enhanced by modelling of social skills. Siblings may also become attachment figures, particularly where adults are unable or unwilling to fulfil this need, creating bonds that endure through life.
Salvador Minuchin called the sibling subsystem ‘the first social laboratory’, the place where we struggle to find a place in the group and where the appraisal of others significantly contributes to the formation of identity. During times of stress, siblings may come together to provide support.
A darker side is the stress caused by the relationship when it is competitive and unsupportive and children vie for parental care and attention. Serious conflict and sibling perpetrated violence is believed to be relatively common and while it often reflects wider family dynamics other factors like temperament and circumstance should also be considered.
Despite this, older children often take a protective role with younger siblings, shielding them from abuse, breaking family secrets and seeking support and help outside the family. Siblings are often the first person to whom a child chooses to disclose secrets including abuse and questioning of sexual and gender orientation.
What are the implications for Practice?
The sibling relationship is rich in information and a resource that can support positive change that lasts a lifetime. Including all children in a first visit immediately conveys a message that the practitioner is attempting to understand the difficulty from a broader systemic perspective and does not subscribe to the view that this is an internal difficulty in one person who is either ‘mad’ or ‘bad’. Having established this, it may then be useful to see subsystems of the family including the sibling group. This provides an opportunity to understand relationships and connection to the presenting problem, strengthen sibling bonds and become aware of the distress of others that may not be immediately apparent.
Exclusion of children can also mean that those whose distress is more hidden or internalized are denied help.
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