Separation and Divorce – a perspective Through Bower(method)

Introduction

Separation and divorce are an ending of relationships that once held promise and hope for those who entered them. It is a form of death that brings with it grief for that which is lost. Separation and divorce are relational and understanding the impact on children both at separation and into their own future is best understood relationally. This means that it is the conduct of those around the child and family both immediately before the decision, at the point of separation and subsequently that will determine outcomes for children. If the child is subjected to violence and abuse between parents, explicit or implicit demands to take sides, loss of significant family members through fracture and alienation, loss of home, friends and neighborhood, poverty, and a requirement to instantly embrace a new partner and step siblings it is easy to imagine a child would express this outside distress through inside symptoms.

While the first year following separation is often difficult, research reported by the Institute of Family Studies is positive. The Experiences of Separated Parents Study (2014) surveyed approximately 6,000 separated parents interviewed about 17 months after separation. Among school-aged children, 86–93% of parents of school age children ‘rated their child as doing the same as, or better than, peers in terms of school work, getting on with others and most other areas of their life.’

However, a small percentage of children will experience significant distress. This will be explored through the meta-frames of Bower(method)

Politics

The politics meta-frame refers to differences between people that can become inequalities and disadvantage relative to others. Poverty, trauma, witness and exposure to violence and age are all factors that can render a child  vulnerable relative to same age peers and the adults who are making decisions about their future. A key feature of politics is ownership, the proper balance of authority, the power to make decisions and responsibility, the willingness to enact appropriate power in the situation. When these are misaligned people experience distress and manifest symptoms. In separation and divorce the fracture of the marital and parental subsystem can result in highly distressed adults abnegating responsibility and ceasing to enact proper parenting authority and children stepping into the parental role with siblings and the distressed parent. This can particularly happen in early years with the adjustment to the additional responsibilities of single parenthood. Children often find themselves in a confusing position where one moment and with same people they are applauded for this and at other times criticised. The fact that most families recalibrate after a year suggests that this normally resolves spontaneously as parents resume their roles and children are once again effectively parented. However sometimes the parental fracture becomes entrenched with children invited to side with one parent against the other. This child may become privy to information that is in appropriate and asked to make decisions that they should not have to make. The matter may escalate to the point where the legal system is involved, and decision-making power removed from all family members. The extreme version of this is parental alienation which is highly detrimental to children’s wellbeing.

Space

This meta-frame refers to both inside space, the internal experience and temperament of each person and outside space the patterns of interaction between family members and their world. Each person has their own characteristic set of traits and some children will respond to the changes that separation brings with greater distress and intensity than others. Anxiety, distress, anger and disbelief are common in both adults and children in the first year. Some children will tend to express pain by acting out with behavioural difficulties while others will become more internal and exhibit withdrawal, sadness and worry. Where a child’s temperament mirrors that of an estranged partner this can be very challenging for a parent and make it difficult for them to parent objectively and effectively.

Outside space refers to the patterns of interaction between children, parents and others in their wider world including grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, school and sometimes the legal system. Where parents are hostile to each other this can be difficult for children who recognise that they are equally comprised of both their parents and logically ‘if you hate him/her then you must hate half of me!’ It is the fracturing of a child’s world following separation that is most harmful as it brings with it losses outside the immediate family. A child may find relationships with extended family and family friends compromised or feel required to reject those who they perceive are not on the preferred parent’s side. The actual or emotional loss of siblings who may have acted in a parental role in the difficult days approaching the separation can also be distressing.

Children’s friendships can also come under strain. Witnessing aggressive exchanges can impact the peer relationships as they begin to relate to others in this way. Children may also feel isolated and different as they attempt to share distress with friends who have not had similar experiences and don’t know how to respond.

Time

Understanding events in the past that have led up to the separation is crucial to appreciate the child’s current experience. Where violence and abuse have preceded the separation some children express relief and a wish that this had happened sooner and show no desire for the old family to reform. They may express anxiety about their own or parent’s safety and a reluctance to spend time with the abusive parent. They may also actively take sides with the parent who is viewed as a victim and step into a parental role with them and siblings which is unhelpful to both the child and family. Adolescent boys may be actively encouraged to become the ‘man of the house’ with a risk that they emulate the violence of the father and the mother is again oppressed.

Where  the separation has been totally unexpected from the point of view of children and sometimes the partner, reactions may be very different. Shock, disbelief, and anger are common responses. They may crave the repair of the old family and try to encourage their parents to reconsider the decision. Where a parent has left to be with a new partner children may actively oppose the new relationship  either through hostility or refusal to see that parent. The present may be a time of turmoil grief and readjustment both inside and out.

Families are systems and systems have a remarkable capacity to retain their form and characteristic way of functioning even in the face of a fracture in the family. While this is not inevitable it is often true that the family will function in separation much as it did when intact. A disengaged parent will remain disengaged, triangulation of adult conflict through children will continue, and alliances and coalitions be retained. The past both healthy and destructive informs the present and future to either the benefit or detriment of children.

The consequences for children’s future intimate relationships is of concern to many parents. While some research has suggested that children of divorced parents may be less comfortable with closeness, are more avoidant and have less secure attachment styles many go on to have highly successful long-term relationships. It appears that attachment style adapts and respond to both context and the people with whom we form relationships and the experiences of one part of our lives does inevitably colour our future. A study which attests to the power of a loving relationship showed that while young single adults from intact families were more likely to report positive views of marriage and believe that divorce is avoidable than those from divorced families, beliefs toward marriage and divorce of romantically involved individuals were similar, whether they grew up in intact or nonintact families.

Development

The development meta-frame refers to the way our physical, emotional and psychological self grows in interaction with the predictable unfolding of the family lifecycle. The timing of the separation intersects with both the individual and family life cycle stages and each individual will be uniquely affected by these. Individually, children and adults who have other health challenges, both physical and emotional may find separation more disruptive, especially when their relationship with the outside world is limited and they have a smaller world in which to seek comfort or distraction. The culture in which the family lives and its particular views about separation may also impact the child.

Each child’s individual developmental stage and particularly their cognitive development will contribute to a child’s response to separation. While younger children may not recall an intact family, we know exposure to conflict and violence have a negative effect on infants. Children from 3 to 5 years may be distressed by the fear that if one parent can stop loving the other, they may also stop loving them and that their bad behavior or something about them has caused the split. This fear is also expressed by those in primary school who some researchers suggest is the most difficult age to sustain a separation as they are able to remember good times in the family. Children of this age have a better understanding of conflict and notions of fault and blame yet it is tempered by the fact that understanding is still filtered through their lens. The fear that they are to blame for the decision and the possibility that change in them may ameliorate it remains central.

By teenage years children are better able to understand the emotional underpinning of the parent’s decision and may support it. Alternately their capacity for abstract thought coupled with a moralistic certainty of their position can lead to harsh criticism of one or both parents. Either accepting or critical, they may still be angry at the real or potential disruption to their lives and the inconvenience of moving between household, particularly when homes are geographically separated. The need to remain close to friends, school and their neighborhood may result in a decision to reside full time with one parent and distance from the other. Children this age may also take more responsibility and authority for the resident parent and exercise this in ways that are unhelpful to both. This is often short term and after a year or so relationships recalibrate.

Separation and divorce may impact the age-appropriate identity formation of the child. Where a child avoids school either to escape scrutiny of others or in order to remain at home to protect a parent, productive and peer identity may be compromised. Attachment identity, those to whom we belong, can be affected by a requirement to take side and cut off attachment figures, or extended family members.  Peer identity may be at risk if a child withdraws from friendships or forms attachments outside the family which put them at risk as a result of the parent’s emotional or physical absence. This may also result in consequences for sexual identity in young people who accede to multiple or premature sexual relationships as a way of seeking intimacy and acceptance at a stage that is beyond their own readiness.

Summary and Conclusion

While it is important to appreciate the unique experience of each child and family member it is crucial to retain the perspective that outcomes for all are ultimately driven by the patterns which connect and understand that it is the relational nature of the experience that determines the future.