Parenting, contact and the estranged couple

The Wisdom of Solomon or Solomon’s Ring, the biblical story retold in The Caucasian Chalk Circle (Bertolt Brecht – 1948) – is the story of two women in dispute over a baby who they each claim is their own baby – Solomon resolves the dispute in a unique way – do not pull the child in your direction otherwise you will emotionally and psychologically tear them apart – if the other side chooses to pull then a parent is faced with a very difficult decision about whether they pull back or whether they acquiesce. Or is there a third alternative? This is what a parent has to have a serious think about.

Whilst formally and legally the age where a child becomes an adult is 18, in real life functional terms in a child’s 15 th year is when developmentally we would expect things to change dramatically. It is around this time we would expect a child to demand the right to make their own decisions about residence and contact with their parents and all of that comes with that. In the old days, a lot of children were working full time in jobs, apprenticeships, at the age of 14.

When a parent is in the position of waiting for this time to come, they have to decide exactly how they are going to conduct themself through these years, what they will participate in, what they will not participate in, and what kind of parent and person they intend to present their child as they move from adolescence into adulthood.

All of this matters a great deal in terms of a child’s development. The developmental transformation in a child over these growing up years will have a massive impact upon their relationship with both of their parents. The likelihood is that if either of the parents attempt to control a child too tightly, they will be likely to abreact into a closer and stronger relationship with the other parent.

The developmental process of a child moving through their adolescents is referred to in the literature as differentiation – this is the developmental period in which a child marks themself out as being similar to and different to the key attachment figures of childhood. As a child moves through the process, they will have to work out how they are similar to each parent and how they are different from each. This process of differentiation is the pathway to a full and appropriate and proper adult identity.

Parents have a key role to play in that process no matter how much contact they have had with the child and, no matter how much they reside with each parent – it makes no difference. What makes a difference is the quality of the substantial relationship they have with the parent going forward. Quality of relationship becomes as important as quantity. It is definitely worth each parent considering the idea of residing in a location readily accessible to the child on their terms – for an adolescent child to be able to go to a parents residence whenever they feel like it because it is within walking or cycling distance. This may however put one parent in an uncomfortable proximity to the other (ex-partner/spouse).

It is essential that a parent should not transact anything to do with their relationship with the other parent (ex-partner/spouse), with their child. What a parent does not participate in is critical in terms of the child’s future development. Parents should want their child to grow up and a child should be able to model themselves on their parents. If there is a dialogue on the other side about an individual by the other parent that a child is privy to, then that is something that they will have to deal with. One parent cannot do this for the child. A parent can however put together living arrangements that are exactly in line with what an adolescent may want, whilst expecting that they may change their mind.