Becoming Unstuck in Couples Therapy

The experience of being ‘stuck’ with a couple is familiar and unpleasant and often leaves the practitioner working harder and harder to ‘fix’ the situation with the clients doing less and less. The longer the process continues the more responsible the practitioner becomes and the more impotent the couple. As this unfolds the question of the impossibility of the situation confronts everyone yet the harder it becomes to raise the question of separation as a possible direction without feeling prescriptive or punishing.

Case Example

This was the situation for Jim, 55 and his wife Susan, 40. The presenting problem was conflict and in particular Jim’s outbursts of anger when Susan disagreed with him. These were not physically intimidating but more like the tantrum of a frustrated toddler. Despite numerous conversations about the pattern and the need for Jim to remove anger from their exchanges nothing changed. In review the couple agreed that there had been some minor improvements but the key issue, Jim’s anger remained central to the difficulties. When asked about this, Jim, would look distressed and confused, saying he really wanted to change but just couldn’t and would ask Susan to understand that he loved her and would like it to be different. In these exchanges Jim, 15 years older than his wife would become like a child to her as mother.

The practitioner spoke of her increasing impotence and frustration and sense that she was finding herself in Susan’s role being required to ‘make Jim change’. In essence the pattern had expanded to include her and while agreeing that separation and the long-term consequences of Jim’s conduct needed to be addressed, she felt constrained to do so and was asking for a way to raise the possibility without appearing to recommend or advise this. Her request was “how do I raise this and remain neutral?” She was also eager to stop feeling like a parent to both.

She was right to understand that neutrality lay at the heart of the advice the practitioner should give and it was suggested that it be framed in the following way.

“When someone repeatedly hurts us, we find the door in our hearts begin to shut. We find it harder and harder to keep it open and we become more and more hidden from them as we use all our energy to prevent it shutting. However, in time, no matter how hard we try there will come a time when we can no longer keep it open. This may be against everything we want, particularly when we have loved that person a great deal. A shut door does not necessarily mean physical separation, although it often does. It may mean living alongside the other, untouched by the hurtful things they say and do, kept safe by the shut door.”

Questions

This becomes the metaphor through which the couple’s future can be explored in a gentle and non-judgmental way which relocates the responsibility for change with them. The following questions could facilitate this.

• Do you feel the ‘door in your heart’ shutting?
• Has your partner noticed this?
• Is the hurtful behaviour a way of attempting to push it open?
• How long do you have before it shuts, how many more times can this behaviour happen?
• Once it shuts are either of you more likely to separate or merely accept this is now your relationship?
• What can each of you do to stop the process of shutting?
• Is this possible or is the shutting inevitable?

These and other question could then form the groundwork for homework tasks including exploring the question further or experimenting with change. It is then the couple’s responsibility for the future of their relationship and the practitioner is no longer burdened with feeling they hold the weight of the future.