Secrets, the Therapeutic Relationship and Couples Therapy

Some practitioners will tell you that working with couples is the most challenging work of all. Not only does the threat of separation hang over the therapeutic process but also questions of secrecy, privacy and lies. These of course are not all the same as each one of us requires a degree of privacy and no relationship of equals shares everything. We all know that telling our partner exactly what we think of them at any moment can be very detrimental, particularly when this changes and was more a function of the moment than an entrenched position.

However, a particular challenge arises in the therapeutic process when one person engaged in couples therapy contacts the practitioner asking for an individual session. This usually means there is something they wish to share that they have chosen not to share with their partner. It may range from relatively benign and ordinary to disclosures of abuse and violence or a desire to leave the relationship that has not been shared with the partner.

Some couple’s therapists routinely see each person individually as part of the assessment process, particularly as a way of screening for violence and abuse. While this has a lot of merit it may not be required in all cases and may slow the therapeutic process unnecessarily. An alternative approach is to make routine the possibility of individual sessions from the outset. The practitioner may tell the couple that at some point in the therapeutic process it may be a good idea for each of them to have an individual session to give them space to reflect and discuss matters privately and for the practitioner to expand their view. At this stage, the practitioner can speak about how information is shared from such a session and an in-principle agreement reached should this eventuality arise. This then provides a basis for an individual session if either the practitioner is concerned about the safety of either party and wants to explore this more fully or one person requests an individual session secretly from the other. In arranging an individual session, the practitioner should negotiate with both parties about the boundary around this meeting. The requirement is simply that both must agree that either matters discussed in private remain private or that information shared in session is freely available at their instigation in the couple session. Again, where there is allegations or suggestions of abuse and violence the practitioner may decide to set this boundary themselves as one where information shared within the individual session is private.

When meeting with each person the question of what information is shared by who and to whom is crucial. This is an issue of authority and responsibility. If the client has chosen to hand responsibility to the practitioner in terms of information the practitioner must decide what responsibility, they hold to act on this. Questions of abuse and violence are paradoxically easier to manage than revelations like an affair or decision to end a relationship that has not been shared with the partner. Where allegations of abuse and violence have been made, it may be the case that a child protection notification must be made, and this is outside the practitioner’s decision-making power. The practitioner would also be responsible to give the client information and advice about services available to someone in their position and steps to protect they own and others safety.

More troubling are secrets that fundamentally alter the therapeutic activity and effectively join the practitioner with one person against the other in the process. These include the revelation of an affair of which the partner is unaware or a decision or near decision to leave a relationship where this has not been disclosed in the couple session. In establishing parameters around the individual sessions, the practitioner must speak with the client about how they would like private material managed if the practitioner believes it fundamentally changes the contract for couple’s therapy. Such information should be labeled as secret and the impact on both the therapeutic process and their partner discussed. It then becomes the responsibility of the client to decide how or if they will speak to their partner, in a session or in private or to take the decision that couples therapy is no longer appropriate. If the client refuses to take this responsibility the practitioner may be left with the decision as to whether they can continue to work with both parties or need to draw therapy to a close.