Advice for Parents

The following was prepared for the parents and teachers of a six-year-old girl described as a significant behaviour management problem at school.
Developmentally, children ordinarily progress in a relatively predictable sequence, with variations, from one milestone to the next. Over the past year we would expect Michelle: 

• To (physically) have grown about 6 cm; gained about 3 kg in weight, to be developing her first molars and starting to lose her baby teeth.  
• To (cognitively) be losing the ‘magical thinking’ of a pre-schooler, be able to tell you her age, count to “10” and understand the concept of “10”, to be learning to express herself clearly through words and be learning to write; beginning to understand cause-and-effect and with rudimentary grasp of the concept of time.  
• To (emotionally and socially) still have pre-schooler fears of monsters, to still be wanting her parents to play with her as her main source of companionship and affection although she should now begin a gradual shift to fulfilling more of these needs with friends and other people (e.g., teachers, extended family). Play will probably include a lot of imagination and fantasy usually with the same gender; sometimes ‘big kid’ taking care of the ‘little kid;’ still focused on herself; starting to understand the feelings of others, with encouragement; and a sense of humour appearing; she may like simple jokes, funny books, and rhymes. 

• To (language) describe her favourite television show, movie, story, or other activity; speak with correct grammar most of the time; spell her first name; write some letters and numbers; and read some simple words. 
• To (sensory and motor development) now have control over her major muscles; have good balance; enjoy running, jumping, skipping, and other physical play; catch a ball; skip; draw a person with at least 8 parts; copy shapes; make designs; write her name; and dress herself with help with difficult buttons or laces. 

 Conflict, Escalation, Authority, Responsibility 

• Central developmental precepts are that a person (child or adult): 

• Does not have authority over anything they cannot actually and practically be responsible for (developmental psychology appears to say very little about this.) 
• Does not have authority over something on the ‘outside’ that they cannot cognitively process on the ‘inside’ 

The problem is that Michelle can escalate conflict, almost at will, against her teachers, well beyond what would ordinarily be expected of a child of her age. She can demand and seize authority from a teacher so that the teacher is impotent to set reasonable limits around behaviour and emotions with her. She then exploits that authority to gain a perceived ‘benefit’ from the teacher for example, exclusion from the class and freedom from demands of schoolwork. This works to Michelle’s disadvantage in that she is out of step with the rest of the class and their learning. Processing this consequence is a horizon too far for Michelle, well beyond the forward range of her developing cognitive ability. She is unable to handle the authority she has purloined either emotionally or cognitively and ends up behaving badly by exercising that authority over other students; demanding; bullying; unable to accept “no”; being physically violent toward them. This gets herself into serious strife with the school management who feel they need to step in to support the teacher, protect other children, and protect themselves from the welter of complaints from other parents they know will come if they do not act decisively. 

Our Advice 

If she tries this at home, you are step in as her parent and cut short the escalation by contesting the authority she is trying to take so that he is clear about the hierarchy and who has what authority over what and who. 

•  You do this through vigorous engagement with Michelle with processes that are inclusive and affirming
• That means that the house rules are reinforced consistently in a way that is meaningful to her
• Our view is that Michelle cannot handle the authority that almost naturally falls into her hands. Her brain is not mature enough to do this and it is unfair and unreasonable to allow this to continue. Taking charge is your responsibility as parents and you have the authority to effectively do so.
• We need school to adopt a similar approach to home; inclusive not exclusive; reinforced hierarchy; she is not the boss here; authority in the hands of the teacher and preparedness to do battle with her
• School must be prepared to do battle with Michelle on terms that are acceptable to you and win on terms that are acceptable to you. This we need to negotiate with school before term commences. 
• We will set that time up and let you know if or when you should attend