Creating Change in Complex Matters

The following explains creating change in highly complex matters.

• Change happens when something different happens OR when you do something different.
• That ‘something different’ is when something new happens or when you do something OR when something stops happening or you call something to a halt.
• In ordinary or straightforward matters you just do something, take a positive action. In complex matters you call a halt to something first before you do something, often because numerous positive actions already been taken and because negative patterns have become entrenched and are extremely difficult to shift.   
• Where there are entrenched, long-term, deeply emotional patterns of excessive accommodation by parents and deeply entrenched patterns of expectation and exploitation by a child to a parent(s) and perhaps other people, that will not be shifted by taking any positive course of action. Very simply, these patterns must end before we can do anything substantially positive with a client.  
• These entrenched patterns act as a major constraint to any substantial change with a person, coupled to any other factors such as an acquired brain injury. 
• Cessation is about calling entrenched patterns of interaction and behaviour between people to a halt, usually a pattern of excessive accommodation, giving, generosity, doing for the other and getting not too much back and return. 
• In these relationships’ ‘reciprocity’ (i.e., give and take) and ‘compassion’ (i.e., empathy) are completely out of balance, unequal, and uneven. This is a serious issue, notwithstanding the fact that other factors may be involved such as an acquired brain injury. 
• Clearly, an acquired brain injury acts as a significant brake on a person’s capacity to participate in some ongoing, regular, reciprocal, and compassionate relationships with other people. A person in this situation does not recognize this or at least acts as though they do not recognize this. 
• ‘Reciprocity’ and ‘compassion’ are the twin pillars of morality in ordinary, everyday, relationships and relationships with some degree of longevity and commitment. In general terms, a healthy relationship between people in a long-term relationship with some degree of commitment, means that ‘reciprocity’ and ‘compassion’ be reasonably equally and evenly spread across the parties. This means that the ‘give and take’ between the parties over the array of functional matters that makeup ordinary Iives is reasonably equal, usually according to their own definition and experience and each party to the relationship has a reasonable degree of ‘compassion’ and ’empathy’ for the other, again, reasonably equally arranged.  
• Whilst ‘reciprocity’ and ‘compassion’ are a hard ask for a person with an acquired brain injury. The fact is that they may be perfectly capable of functioning in this regard to a significant level, but we don’t and won’t know to what significant level they can function until the excessive accommodation in relationship to them is removed from the mix. 
• Essentially, what appears is a parent doing most of the ‘reciprocity’ and most of the ‘compassion’ for a child, for a very long time, Full rehabilitation means a person fully participating in ordinary ‘reciprocity’ and everyday ‘compassion’ with other people. Their acquired brain injury means we probably will not get 100%, but we may get much further than many may imagine. 
• Positive action, control and direction will not get us there, not initially at least. These may come later. The micro-detailed, pattern of excessive accommodation, by a parent(s) and others, must be removed from the mix, in the first instance, then we can see what spontaneously takes shape. From there we can assess the situation and make decisions as required. This is why I am disinclined to influence or control friends at this point in time. There is every possibility that they may spontaneously pull back and that may well be a mixed blessing.