A common adage suggests ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ In a vibrant, kind, and open relationship this advice has merit, but when silence becomes a form of conflict, difficulties arise. Significant attention has been paid to overt, noisy physical and verbal dispute in couple relationships, but less focus has been given to distancing and refusal to respond as a form of conflict. All behaviour is communication and a refusal to engage can convey a powerful message of disagreement or disrespect to a partner and can contribute to the demise of the relationship.
What are the Features of Silent Conflict?
Despite lacking explicit content silent conflict clearly produces negative effects. John Gottman (1994), termed it ‘stonewalling’ and identified it as one of the ‘four horsemen of the apocalypse’ and predictive of divorce. Rather than resolving underlying issues they are avoided and reappear later. Despite the lack of overt discord these exchanges carry sadness and tension and fail to allow a collaborative and productive process of resolution of conflict. Avoidance also results in a decrease in feeling understood in the relationship resulting in more relationship distress and lower relationship satisfaction.
A Study Exploring Silent Conflict
Recognising the paucity of research into this area, Hasse et al (2026) were interested to test the hypothesis that ‘silent parental conflict and perceived relationship quality are negatively associated at both the individual and dyadic levels’. They also wished to explore the differences between men and women.
Their subjects were 111 mixed gender couple who had at least one child who completed questionnaires in an on-line survey.
What Did They Find?
As expected, silent conflict was ‘negatively associated with perceived relationship quality for both partners at the individual and dyadic levels.’ While both men and women engaged in silent conflict to the same extent, men expressed higher levels of relationship quality than their partners. There was a clear link between withdrawal and the quality of the couple relationship reflecting the message a refusal to engage may give the other. It may be understood as a lack of interest in or concern for the partner resulting in feelings of being undervalued and unloved which in turn will impact interaction and establish a vicious cycle of avoidance. Failure to resolve underlying issues fuels tension and dissatisfaction and undermines the desire for closeness, further weakening the bond.
Implications for Practitioners
This study reinforces what we intuitively understand, that a failure to address differences safely and actively in the couple relationship will be destructive. From an information perspective silence creates a block to free flow of information into the system and dramatically reduces the redundancy characteristics of that system. This means opportunities to ‘accidently’ discover solutions to difficulties are reduced and opportunity to find alternative solutions disappear. Lack of information will starve the system which may continue but at a much reduced, less satisfying, less creative, and in a less happy way. Couples need to be able to conflict to solve the myriad challenges and inequities of family life. The task of the practitioner is to support them to do so in ways that are safe, respectful and enrich rather than diminish the relationship.
Hasse, I., M. Lisboa-Lima, and C. Crespo. 2026. “Echoes of Silence: Silent Conflict and Couples’ Relationship Quality.” Journal of Family Therapy 48, no. 3: e70037. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.70037.
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