Family secrecy, defined by family therapist, Paul Rober as ‘the intentional concealment of information by one or more family members who are impacted by it’ shapes families. Family secrets include child sexual abuse, paternity issues, parental suicide, substance misuse, violence, imprisonment, infidelity, and mental health issues which, when undisclosed, leave a child to fill in the gaps resulting in ‘fragmented realities and incomplete narratives.’ Secrets generate alliances, boundaries and hierarchies that create triangles and alter patterns of closeness and distance within a family fueling a complex interplay of power, loyalty, and protection. This may involve defence of an individual within the group or the whole family from the wider community’s scrutiny and judgement. While attention has been paid to the impact on the emotional development, relationships, and general wellbeing of children, less is understood about adult children raised in secretive environments, particularly from a systemic and relational perspective. Given the profound impact of family of origin experiences in current family functioning this is a significant question.
Exploring Adult Children’s Experience
Authors Camilleri and Scerri (2025) adopted a small-scale qualitative approach, conducting seven retrospective in-depth interviews to explore the question ‘How do adult children perceive and navigate their encounters with family secrets and disclosures within their families of origin?’ They were particularly interested to understand the role of emotions as both indicators and drivers of interaction.
Their Findings and Analysis
The authors adopted the metaphor of the emotional roller coaster with its ‘twists, turns, sudden drops and fluctuating emotions and uncertainties’ to describe the shared experiences of participants from childhood to maturity. The core construct ‘Riding the emotional rollercoaster: emotions that shape family secrets and family secrets that shape emotions’ emerged as the connecting thread through all participants accounts.
Integrating the Findings with Family Therapy Theory
The participants’ experiences were then integrated into the literature on family secrecy, emotions and systemic therapy, and attachment theory. Family secrecy is ‘deeply rooted in emotional experiences that are often driven by shame, guilt, fear, and the desire to protect oneself or others’ and may span generations. The intentional hiding of information is embedded in family systemic dynamics and creates complex emotions, especially at key developmental stages. Secrecy creates alliances and boundaries within the family and insecure attachment encourages secrecy, role reversals and children carrying the burdens of others. The revealing of secrets can produce a range of emotions including shock, betrayal, resentment, insecurity, isolation, and ambivalence. Participants expressed a ‘profound sense of loss, grief, and sadness’ as they had tried to make sense of the family or remedy the effect of the secret.
For the Clinician
Revealing family secrets in adulthood is often a path to personal healing and strengthening of family bonds. However, in some families the price of facing past abuse, violence, neglect, and betrayal may be too high a price to pay and the person who dares to tell the truth may find themselves framed as mad or vindictive. The cost of remaining inside the family and maintaining the secrecy may be too high and a choice is made to disconnect. When this happens the task of the practitioner is to walk with this person as they begin to trust themselves and create a future for their children that is clean from secrets. Not to do so requires agreeing to live in a distorted world where, as George Orwell said, “If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.”
Camilleri, R., & Sammut Scerri, C. (2025). Emotional echoes of family secrecy in childhood: A grounded theory study in a Maltese context. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 46, e70000. https://doi.org/10.1002/anzf.70000
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